Part 2 of 2. You can find Part 1 Here.

Synchronizing Body Language

If you happened to read my three-part series titled, “The Initial Ninety” then you know that body language accounts for 55% of our communication. Synchronizing body language is actually not that tough. It takes a higher awareness and attention to detail, and you have to be more present in an encounter with another but the extra work is worth it; the ability to synchronize other people’s body language will put you leaps and bounds ahead of where you were before.

“Synchronizing body language falls into two loose groupings: matching, which means doing the same thing as the other person (she moves her left hand, you move your left hand), and mirroring, which means, as it implies, moving as if you were watching the other person in a mirror (he moves his left hand, you move your right). It is important to remember that your movements must be subtle and respectful. You are not mocking the other person. If the other person picks their nose or flips their hair, and you do the same; they would have to be quite unaware to not notice that.

Particular gestures like hand and arm movements are especially easy and natural to synchronize by matching and mirroring. Some people will raise their shoulders when they talk; others wave their hands around as they express themselves. Be careful to not take these to the extreme; remember to make these movements subtle and respectful. When you are conversing with an individual who waves their hands, it can become evident that you are copying their movements. If you are completely uncomfortable in certain movements, do not do them.

Body posture is also quite easy and natural to synchronize. You can tell a lot about another by their body posture. One’s overall posture is known as the attitude of the body. You can tell if an individual is shy and reserved or open and outgoing just by their posture. In order to gain quick rapport, adapt their style and allow them to feel comfortable with you. In times when engaging with an individual that is shy and reserved, you will see that as they begin to feel more comfortable around you, they will start to change their posture to one that is more open and engaging.

Let’s say that you have began to engage with an individual at a sports bar that has their arms across their chest and they have their body pointed toward a TV. As you initially begin to converse with this individual, do the same. Then as the conversation continues, try to drop your arms from your chest and see if they follow. If they do, synchronization has begun to occur and you will see that they will begin to be more open and engaging. If they don’t, then get back into the same posture as them and try again as the conversation continues.

Other things that you can and should synchronize are – head tilts and nods, facial expressions, overall body movements, etc. Whether it’s a job interview or striking up a conversation at a coffee shop, observe the person’s overall body movements, then gently mirror or match them. If she’s sitting sideways, sit sideways; if he’s standing with his hands on his hips, you do the same. Synchronization of the body will make the other feel at ease and allow you to quickly gain rapport.

Synchronizing Attitude

“Synchronizing attitude takes into account location and mood. It is also frequently supportive, as when a friend is challenged and you “take a stand” with him, or a parent deeply relates to a child’s problem with a class assignment, or you share the exhilaration your partner feels over a promotion. When people “go through things together,” they will often be synchronized right down to primal sighs of despair or shouts of joy.

This is as simple as putting yourself in another’s shoes. Tune in to the overall mood suggested in another’s voice and actions and reflect it back. We all want to feel like we are understood, synchronizing one’s attitude allows this to happen seamlessly.

Synchronizing Voice

Going back to my three-part series titled, “The Initial Ninety”, you know that voice accounts for 38% of face-to-face communication. Voice reflects how a person is feeling; in other words, his or her attitude. People who are happy will sound much different than people who are sad. The tone, volume, speed, pitch, rhythm, and words are all parts of synchronizing via voice.

Take for example an individual that speaks loud (volume) and quick (speed). That individual is going to feel more comfortable around someone that does the same. The same goes for someone that speaks softly and slowly. If you are engaging with an individual that speaks softly and slowly, and your natural tendency is to speak loudly and fast, you will need to adjust your style to theirs. If you don’t, you will begin to see signs of the other being uncomfortable and rapport will never be gained.

The same goes with another’s words (vocabulary). We all have a particular way of speaking and we all use particular words. This is influenced by your friends, family, coworkers, and even the region in which you live. Some might say pop and others soda; you might say soda and I might say coke.

One exercise to try yourself is to go through text messages with your close friends and then go through text messages with someone that you hardly communicate with. I bet what you will notice is that you communicate in two completely different ways and that you and your close friend’s styles will be very similar. You will see that you are using very similar words and phrases.

TIP FOR EMAIL: In a professional setting, when you are emailing a client or supervisor, try to “speak” like them. Synchronize with their style (e.g., format, words, punctuation, etc.).

The Three V’s

We went into greater detail on Professor Albert Mehrabian’s 1967 study on communication, “Decoding of Inconsistent Communication” in, The Initial Ninety, but we will touch on “The Three V’s” here again. Mehrabian’s study concluded that 55% of what we respond to takes place visually; 38% of what we respond to is the sound (vocal) of communication; and 7% of what we respond to involves the actual words we use – the verbal. In order for communication to be believable, the three V’s (visual, vocal, and verbal) must give out the same message. Tying this into synchronization: don’t just think that by synchronizing one aspect of communication, that you are going to get your desired outcome.

Article written by: Chad Gutschenritter

Information gained from: How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman