Part 1 of 2.

Synchronicity

People hire people like themselves. People buy from people like themselves. People date people like themselves. People like people like themselves. People are comfortable with people like themselves.

“We learn our life skills through guidance and rapport with others. As we continually pick up signals from our parents, peers, teachers, coaches, TV, movies and our environment, our behavior is modulated and organized by synchronizing ourselves with the conduct of others and adjusting to their emotional feedback.”

Have you ever noticed that you begin to make the same expressions as your closest friends? Maybe it is a word or saying that your best friend uses frequently and all of a sudden you begin to say the same.

Back in college, I met a guy through one of my best friends who now is a very good friend of mine – we’ll call him Alex. At the time, Alex was living on my friend’s couch and had been for a couple months. Our circle of friends began to give him the nickname of “Couch”. Whenever we would introduce Alex, we would introduce him as Couch – looking back, I don’t know why he is still friends with us. But, in one of the most-clever moves of the 21^st century, Alex began to always use the word “skip”. He would call everybody and anybody, skip. Before we knew it, instead of everyone calling him couch, everybody started to call him Skip.

It didn’t stop there, all of a sudden, our entire circle of friends started to use the word skip. Still to this day, a number of years later, I will call friends of mine skip. In fact, if you find me calling you skip, it is almost a sign of endearment.

As humans, we synchronize our behavior, demeanor, actions, etc. with people that we like – with people we respect. I would be willing to bet that if you walked into any gym where there are kids playing basketball, you will find at least one kid imitating Steph Curry. That’s because kids want to be like Steph Curry, they respect him.

Steph Curry is such a popular player, with so many people wanting to be like him, that he has changed the game of basketball. No longer is the highlight dunk the most exciting play, instead, it is a 30-foot three-pointer that seems as effortless as a wide-open layup. 

As Boothman states in his book, How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less, “All day long, we synchronize ourselves with those around us. We do it all the time. We thrive on it, and we can’t exist without it. We are always influencing each other’s behavior; every moment we are with other people, we make minute adjustments to our behavior, and they to ours. This is what synchrony is all about. We process signals unconsciously and transmit them to each other through our emotions. It is how we draw our strength and convictions; it is how we feel safe. It is how we evolve. And it is why people like, trust and feel comfortable with people who are just like them.”

We seem to all have that friend that just doesn’t seem to be aware of the signals others are giving off. It is almost uncomfortable to watch. You will be at an event or a bar and you can see that your friend is obviously making the individual they are engaging with uncomfortable, but your friend doesn’t pick up on the signals. It might just be because your friend is a very outgoing person and he / she is engaging with an individual who is shy and timid, yet your friend doesn’t adjust his / her approach and the tension can most definitely be felt. Yet that same friend will go to another individual, one who might be more like-minded, and 5 minutes later and they are talking as if they have known each other for years.

Perhaps you have noticed that you take to some people immediately upon meeting them for the first time and yet feel no rapport with other new people. Or you might even feel an instant dislike for some people. Why is it that with certain people you feel the natural trust and comfort that comes with rapport and with others, you do not? Chances are you shared something – interests or attitudes, demeanor, personality, etc.  

Next time you are at an event, bar, restaurant, or coffee shop, look around and try to identify individuals that are “in synch” or “in rapport” with each other. This is actually not hard to identify. As Boothman puts it, “those in rapport are synchronized almost like dancers: one picks up a cup, the other follows; one leans back, the other does the same; one talks softly, the other talks softly. The dance goes on: body position, rhythm, tone of voice.”

What would your friend’s encounter – the one that doesn’t seem to be aware of signals others are giving off – look like with the individual that is obviously uncomfortable.

It might look like this:

Your friend’s body (feet, hips, heart, shoulders) pointed directly at the individual. Your friend speaking fast and loudly. The individual’s body that your friend is engaging is pointed away from your friend, with their feet and hips pointed toward the nearest bathroom. The individual has one arm across her chest with her hand resting near her armpit and her other hand is rubbing the region behind her ear. The individual talks slowly and softly.

If you are like me, you feel uncomfortable just reading that. So, what can your friend do differently in this scenario – if he insists that he has to go up and speak with the other individual?

He should start with his body language. It is obvious that the other individual is feeling super uncomfortable – arms and hand placement, feet and hips pointed toward the nearest “escape” (the bathroom). As your friend sees this, he should not point his body directly at the individual but instead take a similar stance as the individual and point his body toward the bar, or a tv – really anywhere except directly at her.

Secondly, he should slow his rate of speech down and turn down the volume. It is not the responsibility of the individual we are engaging with to synchronize with us – that will occur naturally without them knowing, as you synchronize with them.

As your friend begins to synchronize with the individual, you might see that the individual’s body language will open up and she might even begin to turn her body toward your friend. Her arms might fall to her sides, or she might begin to use her hands as she speaks. These are good signs that she has began to feel more comfortable in the presence of your friend.

“Synchronizing is a way of adapting to others. Often, when you travel in a foreign country, the plug of your hair dryer or electric shaver will just not fit into the outlet – you need an adaptor to make it work, a connection device that will let you plug the thing in and power it up. It’s precisely the same thing when you “plug into” other people. Like the hair dryer or the electric shaver, you must have an adaptor. So think of synchronizing as an adapting device that allows you to make smooth connections at will and quickly. Synchronizing is a way to make the other person become open, relaxed and happy to be with you. You just do what they do; you become like them until the other person thinks. I don’t know what it is about this person, but there’s something I really like!”

Article written by: Chad Gutschenritter

Information obtained from: “How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less” by Nicholas Boothman